Story by

Asshole, Ma.

Posted on by M.

Unfortunately I did some time years ago in a little backwoods in a town named similar to story name. The towns gene pool didn’t have a deep end if you get my meaning. The town had its share of “buttholes,” who’d someday be the local garbage collectors at most if they were even talented enough for that job. There were a half dozen “cornholes” as I referred to them, in their twenties and still in high school. There was one guy named Mike Arnold who rode a chopper and looked like he’d gotten his face caught in the spokes a few too many times. Then there was Richard N. who had the smallest pecker on earth. We called him “one nut”as there wasn’t room for two in his tiny sack. Then there was Bob R. who couldn’t spell his first name backwards on his best day. A big dumb ox best suited to pull a plow through the fields on an alfalfa farm. George E. was next. His face looked like a roadkill pizza on a busy highway. Those three together didn’t have enough brains combined to add up their fingers. It took 5-6 years for each to graduate high school if they didn’t “age out” first by state laws. Me... I was a computer whiz kid, nothing too hard for me to hack into. I’d hacked each of their home computers and eliminated their ability to print or correct anything. For the senior yearbook, I’d inserted their nicknames as their alias name or “known as” name. Richard “one nut” N, Bob “plow boy” R., and of course George “Pizza Face E. Chewing gum was popular and I’d found a source to buy 2 tablet (like chicklets) gum called PK gum. Also finding a laxative in the same shape, I altered a few packages just for the cornhole boys. Making sure they had altered packages of gum on mid-term and finals days, they missed a lot of testing days. To dumb to put two and two together, I was BMM never suspected of anything. Hiring some local thugs, for $25 dollars I could get anyone kicked in the nuts. I ended up spending several hundred dollars but to me it was worth it. I guess it was my way of assuring they never passed on what few genes they had. The “good old days” ugh?