Story by k
Drowning In Your Anger
Posted on by K.
While I listen to you bicker and complain about how being in crowded places trigger your PTSD, know that the hissing, cursing, and unpleasant tone in your voice, triggers mine. And if you don’t let it go when I try to explain ways to avoid the problem—and you keep talking over me...I’m going to raise my voice. And if you tell me AGAIN, as if I did not already know, that I DON’T understand that you have ptsd, I will scream...because it reminds me of how I wasn’t allowed to use my voice when I was yelled at, or beaten, or inappropriately touched as a child. I will scream because of my PTSD. Or, have you forgotten? I try my very best to help guide you through your episodes. If it weren’t for me reaching out to a friend to get you the help you need, you wouldn’t even admit you have PTSD. I have put up with your negative behavior for years and many times I’ve wondered why I stayed. I have put so much effort and emotion into this relationship and I think you fail to see that. So, today, our grocery shopping trip was a fail. It was crowded and you got irritable. I saw it and you couldn’t stop talking about it. While I was under my mask, perspiring, our-of-breath, and close to passing out, I had to listen to you. You cursed in line, “I can’t fucking do this...” but you’ve forgotten the many trips I’ve made to the grocery stores myself. I have had to deal with crowds and long lines...multiple times, even, when I cannot find what we need at one store. Who is there to calm me when I’m frustrated or upset? No one. I have to talk myself through it. Instead of complaining throughout the car ride home, can you try to come up with a resolution to the problem? I’m exhausted from trying. There is no one to comfort me when I’m hurting. I hope you find some peace through this storm that you are trying to navigate through. Life would be so much easier if you tried to find a way to channel your anger and focus on being kind.