This secret I have carried with me throughout my adult life, never telling a soul. This shall be my release, my freedom. What you’re about to hear is the complete and whole truth, my shame laid bare. Quick back story, I was the shunned child. Last born, outshined by my brother and sister and pushed away by family and peers. I was the weird child in school that everyone avoided. In fact, I still am to this day. But that is not my secret. Just painting the picture for how desperate I have been for affection and acceptance. I found it. In my sisters boyfriend. He was 26, I was 16. He said I was beautiful and he wanted me. I’m ashamed to admit that even though I love my sister, I had finally found a little peace that someone finally wanted me over her. Someone finally wanted me. I was such a naïve idiot. He lured me with sweet words and promised me guitar lessons. So I went to his house. He showed me how to play Crazy Train and gave me a Mikes Hard Lemonade, my first taste of alcohol, I didn’t like it and sipped only half. He asked if I was a Virgin, to which I said yes that I wanted my honeymoon to be special so I was waiting to be married. He pressed with other questions, but I could not tell you as the room began to get fuzzy. I faded in and out of consciousness. I remember him carrying me to the bed. I don’t remember my clothes coming off, but I remember the pain and snapped lightly awake as he entered me. I pushed as hard as I could to get him off me but my arms felt as if I was dreaming or underwater, just no power behind my actions. I tried to scream but it only came out as a normal volume, a fuzzy “No, no, get off.” The last thing I remember was him pushing my arms aside and saying, “Wow, you really have a strong will.” That is when I faded out. I woke up in his bed, completely panicking. I was young then, and being isolated my whole life I did not yet understand that I had been drugged. I thought i had just gotten drunk from the alcohol. He was still passed out and I believe drunk, so I slid away quickly. I told no one what happened. He continued to message me. I avoided his messages with only a few texts here or there as a small part of me was still desperate for love and wanted to hear I was wanted, but I knew I would never go back to that house. I woke up to my sister crying. I remember she had been thinking her boyfriend s was cheating on her. I hated seeing her cry, and I decided to send her boyfriend a final message telling him to stay the hell away from me, that I don’t want to see my sister hurt. I reached for my phone, only to find it not there. I heard my parents yelling, along with my sister. I realized quickly they had my phone and read my messages to her boyfriend. Ashamed, I quickly changed into some clothes burst through my bedroom door and out the front door. I ran and ran hiding in bushes s as they shouted after me. We lived very far in the country. At least 45 minutes from the nearest town. I ran as far as I could away from the roads. I finally stumbled upon a house I had never been to and nervously knocked. Again I was an idiot. Thankfully the mom of a girl I went to school with answered the door. I asked if she would be kind enough to give me a ride into town. This poor woman, I wonder what she thought when I told her I didn’t want to explain, but she gave me a ride. I spent the night at a co workers house and asked to crash there until I could find somewhere to live. I decided to leave town, but I would need money and a car, so I would have to continue to go to my current work. I showed up to work and felt as though my heart had been stabbed, Waiting for me was my sister in tears. She begged for me to come home, that she just wanted me safe. She said no matter what has happened she wanted me back at home. I have never felt more ashamed in my life. I could not believe how much pain I had caused her. She asked me if I had slept with him. I could not help but lie to her, “No I didn’t, he loves you.” From that day on I avoided him, every family holiday and game night I dreaded. I was so excited the day my sister broke up with him when she found him cheating on her. Only to be devastated when I found out she was pregnant with his baby. She got back with him and now has another kid with him. They are together to this day. My YOUNGER cousin once confessed to me he had also slept with her while she was underage, she like me was an outcast by our family. Both of us are too ashamed to come forward and hurt my sister. Despite my idiotic actions showing otherwise I really do love my sister.
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